They pay ridiculous amounts of attention to things like looks, which have little bearing on whether a relationship will work. When online daters actually meet, an entirely different mind-set has to kick in.
If they’re going to be open to a real relationship, they have to stop asking where this person rates in comparison to others and start asking, can we lower the boundaries between self and self.
They have to stop thinking in individual terms and start feeling in rapport terms.
Brooks calls this “the enchantment leap”—when “something dry and utilitarian erupts into something passionate, inescapable and devotional.” The algorithmic relies on the measurable, and thus most often depends on the physical, as Brooks points out.
They explain that a change in mindset is essential for women over 60 who want to find romance.
Source: Cosmo Poll, April 2009 " title="" src="data:image/gif;base64, R0l GODlh AQABAIAAAAAAAP///y H5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" data-src="https://hips.hearstapps.com/cos.h-cdn.co/assets/cm/14/25/539f8717a245b_-_cos-outside-kiss-fudzp0-123471402.jpg?
resize=480:*" / Source: Body language expert Tony Reiman " title="" src="data:image/gif;base64, R0l GODlh AQABAIAAAAAAAP///y H5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" data-src="https://hips.hearstapps.com/cos.h-cdn.co/assets/cm/14/25/539f8711e900a_-_cos-couple-177262144-xln.jpg?
Through apps like OKCupid and Tinder, we’ve learned to emphasize the temporary and the sensually gratifying in our pursuit of love.
But enchantment requires us to look beyond ourselves and our temporary desires—it requires us to give up control, or as Brooks puts it, to become “vulnerable.” Part of the reason we love quantification—of our love lives, our vocations, even our pastimes—is because we love having a sense of control, the reassurance of a pleasurable outcome.